


even princes get the drunchies

by brosura



Category: Final Fantasy XV
Genre: Crack, Food mention, M/M, Shenanigans & Tomfoolery, back in my day we called it, but idk what's the hip and happening way to categorize this mess, implied alcohol consumption
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-04-08
Updated: 2017-07-20
Packaged: 2018-10-16 04:34:30
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 2
Words: 2,859
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/10563810
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/brosura/pseuds/brosura
Summary: Friday night shifts at the Slactuar Mini-Mart have consistently proven to be a mixed bag of strange experiences. It’s a twenty four hour establishment only a few blocks from a couple of the most popular bars in the downtown area, after all.So, a couple of drunks stumbling in at three in the morning? To be expected.Those couple of drunks being the prince of the entire goddamned country and a giggling blond? Less expected.





	1. Chapter 1

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> drunchies (n) - when you get drunk enough and want to eat everything, portmanteau of "drunk" and "munchies" 
> 
> idk man sometimes [you see something great](http://queen-tabris.tumblr.com/post/159144671715/imagine-livin-in-insomnia-n-working-at-the) and you just _gotta_. can be considered part of my ["the kids these days"](http://archiveofourown.org/series/683045) series, but i mostly wrote it for a good time
> 
> which is what i hope ur havin as u read this mess. here's to that friday night vibe friends.

Friday night shifts at the Slactuar Mini-Mart have consistently proven to be a mixed bag of strange experiences. It’s a twenty four hour establishment only a few blocks from a couple of the most popular bars in the downtown area, after all.

So, a couple of drunks stumbling in at three in the morning? To be expected.

Those couple of drunks being the prince of the entire goddamned country and a giggling blond? _Less expected._

They have the decency to nod at her on the way in when she greets them instinctively at the bell-ring of the door, at least. The blond even says a shy little hello, looking very bashful for someone who is not only openly and obviously drunk with Prince Noctis Lucis Caelum, but just as openly and obviously _holding hands_ with Prince Noctis Lucis Caelum.

In spite of the small fact that one half of this party is heir to the throne of Lucis, they’re otherwise pretty normal for a couple of drunks. It makes sense, he’s probably trying to keep a low profile like any other nineteen year old out for a good time, and there are plenty of tabloids blasting the fact that _“the Prince of Lucis eats junk food - he’s just like us!”_ and any other number of “common” activities that aren’t sniffing wine out of a delicate glass flute or whatever else royalty is expected to do.

She’d even describe them as tame, if a little off balance and giggly, as they make their way through each of the aisles, leaning heavily on each other and discussing the merits of different snacks. (Prince Noctis Lucis Caelum, Crystal’s chosen successor, liked sweets. The blond liked spicy things.)

The whole situation’s honestly so surreal that she doesn’t even process at first that they’re addressing her directly.

“Excuse me!” the blond one says, waving a candy bar a little more insistently in the air. “Want you to know I am _not_ trying to steal anything, but if it’s cool with you, I’m gonna put exactly ten of these in this guy’s pocket.”

“That’s fine,” she says, because she honestly doesn’t know what else to say. Briefly, she thinks that they might be trying to steal from the store but that raised it’s own philosophical quandary of if the prince could _actually steal_ anything, since he technically had the power to take personal property. (The answer was yes, he could still steal, but the fact that she has to consider this is wild enough as it is.)

The blond gives her a sheepish grin in spite of the fact that she’d already given him the go-ahead. “Thanks! It’s because he doesn’t want to pay for a plastic bag even though it is only a few more crown coins.”

“It’s the _principle,_ Prompto,” Prince Noctis Lucis Caelum, future 114th King of Lucis, whines.

“Prompto” just giggles and slaps his ass - _slaps_ his _ass_ \- before shoving candy bars into Prince Noctis Lucis Caelum’s back pocket one at a time, counting out loud as if to reassure her that he wasn’t trying to con her. When he’s done, the prince, who was remarkably patient throughout all of this, has a strange, square bulge on his rear, which would be _surreal_ enough on it’s own if Prompto didn’t then slip a hand into one of the prince’s back pockets, effectively cupping the ass of Prince Noctis Lucis Caelum, future leader of the Lucian army.

“It’s to keep the chocolate from melting,” Prompto grins, too innocent, when the prince gives him a questioning look (questioning, but not _surprised_ in any way at all, like this was a _normal thing_ ).

“Guess that’s _cool_ of you,” Prince Noctis Lucis Caelum, scion of the Six’s chosen bloodline, says, a frankly sly look on his face before it breaks into a small, genuine grin as Prompto snickers quietly at what was honestly _just an ok_ joke.

And that’s apparently all there is to _that,_ because Prompto keeps his hand solidly on the prince’s ass until they reach the chip aisle.

“How many?” Prompto asks.

“Many,” Prince Noctis Lucis Caelum, future wearer of the Ring of the Lucii, says.

Prompto shrugs and goes to hug the entire chip aisle, shoving the veritable mountain of chips onto the unsuspecting prince, who laughs as they spill out of his arms and onto the floor. She’d be mad at the mess they were making if it weren’t obvious that they actually intended on buying _every single bag_ of chips they’d taken, made clear by the few minutes they spend giggling like teenagers and working out the best strategy to carry all of them (“You gotta support the head, buddy, like you’re carrying a baby!”).

This ends with Prompto standing carefully still as the prince piles the chips into his arms in groups of fives until Prompto has to lean back to prevent them from spilling forward onto the floor.

“That’s thirty seven bags,” Prince Noctis Lucis Caelum says, tone flat, as he waits for her to ring them up. “You can count if you want.”

“That’s fine,” is all she can think to say, yet again.

“Don’t forget the ten candy bars!” Prompto’s voice sounds from behind the mountain of chips. “Oh, and can you add two of the extra large slushies?”

“Sure. That’ll be fifty one.”

The prince just nods agreeably like he isn’t spending an obscene amount on late night drunchies and hands her his credit card.

“Can I see some ID?” she says out of habit, as if she doesn’t already know what the ID confirms. Which is that this _is,_ in fact, Prince Noctis Lucis Caelum, son of King Regis Lucis Caelum CXIII, heir to the Crystal’s Light and future ruler of all of Lucis.

There’s an awkward moment after she’s finished ringing them up where Prompto just stands where he’s been left as the prince goes to get the slushies - “Blue, then red, then green, the order is _very important,_ buddy!” - then he returns and gently pushes his friend (friend? they were _awfully comfortable_ with the butt-touching) towards the door. It feels vaguely blasphemous, but she genuinely can’t keep herself from staring at the blocky mound on the prince’s ass as he saunters out of the store behind Prompto.

“So how are we gonna get into your apartment?”

Prince Noctis Lucis Caelum, next in line to oversee the fate of the entire country, snorts. “Shit if I know.”

She probably should have just offered them a bag.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> endgame spoilers: noctis lucis caelum ate all thirty seven bags of chips that night and ascended into the beyond with ten chocolate bars melted and fused to his ass
> 
> lmao ty for readin that mess, leave me a comment below or give me a [lil yell on tumblr](http://brosura.tumblr.com/).


	2. Chapter 2

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> hello yes it is me and i am back again with yet another thrilling sequel for a one shot fic that no one asked for ∠( ᐛ 」∠)＿
> 
> insp by an incident that happened to me literally today, literally this afternoon, where a diplomat's car did a shit parking job next to me in front of the five guys and to cope as i crawled through my passenger's seat i was like 'imagine being like a random insomnian citizen just minding ur own business and u go back to ur car to find this 400k audi parked next to you and it's the prince & he's just macking on his boyfriend, but he's so shit at parking. he's so fucking shit at parking.' and then this fic happened like an hour & a half later
> 
> anyway, hope y'all enjoy! sending out the friday night vibes on a hump day, y'all

Friday nights at the twenty-four hour Crow’s Nest downtown seem to house a mixed bag of strange experiences.

There’s a man in a tropical print t-shirt asleep in the back corner, a few undergrads in pajamas playing a card game on one of the tables, and a girl in a fancy dress comes back from the bathroom and tells her partner, _‘just wait for the air to clear.’_  

She’s just glad she’s not working there, glad she’s here as a customer at three in the morning after another long shift at the Slactuar Mini-Mart. She’s tired but hungry, so she’s honestly kind of pumped about the food she’s carrying back to the car, a basket of fries and a cheeseburger that she’s planning on eating in front of the television to whatever old movie she’s feeling at the moment.

Well, she’s pumped until she steps out to see that some _asshole_ has parked right next to her car. A whole parking lot - and she’d even parked towards the back of the thing, next to the dumpster so no one could park on her passenger side - and this asshole chose to park _directly_ next to her. A closer look reveals that this asshole has parked very, _very_ close to her driver’s side door, which is just fucking _perfect_ because she’s parked so close to the dumpster that she can’t even get in on that side. Even better news, his brake lights are on, so he’s probably just _in there,_ being an asshole.

She’s just tired and pissed enough that she’s ready to tap on his window and tell him to pull out so she can leave, but as she approaches the cars, she can see that the asshole’s car is really _fucking nice._ Like, not _‘rich but practical doctor’_ nice, or _‘spoiled teenager’s first wheels’_ nice.

 _Celebrity_ nice.

Nice enough that it’s _recognizable,_ a sleek black custom Audi that belongs to-

 _Oh_ god, _no._

She prays and prays those last few feet, to anyone that will hear, _not him not him not him not-_

And sure enough, it’s him.

The Audi’s windows are tinted, but not the kind of tinted that stops people from looking in when the reading lights are on - which, of course, they are - so she gets a perfect view of the prince of the entire goddamned country sucking face with the same blond from the Mini-Mart. Somehow, despite being probably the only person in the country privy to the prince’s personal affairs not under a gag order of some kind, all she can think as she squeezes through the small gap between their cars is a flat, _They’re still going strong, I see._

He has the decency to notice her shuffling by since he’s on the driver’s side and jumps in his seat hard enough that he breaks the kiss.

Blondie - Prompto, her mind supplies unhelpfully - seems confused for a moment before he follows the prince’s gaze and does a startled little jump of his own. Then, to both her and the prince’s horror, he brightens with recognition. She can’t hear what’s going on inside the car, but Prompto’s fighting with Prince Noctis to press a button on the console on the driver’s side, then the window’s rolling down and Prompto’s sticking his head out of it.  

“Oh hey!” he greets, like she’s an old friend and not the convenience store clerk that rung up his drunchies haul at three in the morning exactly one time. She would be surprised at how friendly he’s being if it wasn’t for the slight stench of alcohol on his breath and flush on his cheeks. _Oh my god._ “Hey, you’re that girl! From the convenience store! Downtown!”

“Uh, yeah,” is all she can think to say.

“Do you work here, too?” he chirps before noticing the bag in her hands. “Oh shit! You just came here for food. My bad!”

“Y-yeah,” she repeats, because this situation is too surreal to process, honestly. “No prob.”

“What’d you get?” Prompto asks, genuine curiosity written all over his face.

“Um, a burger,” she can’t stop herself from answering. “And fries.”

“Very nice!”

A quick glance into the car finds Prince Noctis apparently trying to become one with his seat, with how far back he’s leaning, drinking steadfastly at another fast food cup likely in an effort to cool the very undignified flush on his cheeks. She can’t tell what’s in the cup, but based on the other can in the cup holder - the gaudy and colorful one that she might have mistaken for an energy drink if she’d never had a few wild nights of her own - she figures that the prince and his boyfriend are up to a _distinct_ kind of idiocy.

“One of you is sober, right?” she says with a frown, cursing herself internally because _oh my god_ she sounds like a mother. She’s _scolding_ the _fucking Prince of Lucis._

“Y-yeah,” Prince Noctis chokes, almost spitting out the drink in his haste to answer her. He pulls the top off the cup and shows her a familiar translucent green liquid sloshing around inside. “Yeah, this is just a Jetty’s, honest. I’m designated driver tonight.”

“He’s designated driver _every_ night and everyday.” Prompto explains, a sincere and genuine expression on his face, as if this is information she absolutely _must_ know. He leans out of the window a little, then continues in a stage whisper, “Do you _see_ how nice this fucking car is?! It’s probably worth more than my _life!_ I’d never drive it, even if I _wasn’t_ sober.”

“Even if you weren’t _drunk,_ babe,” Prince Noctis says gently as he takes one of Prompto’s hands. Somehow, the next heir to the throne holding hands and calling someone ‘babe’ doesn’t phase her at all. That is just where she is at. “You’re _already_ not sober.”

“You are very right about that,” Prompto grins, squeezing at Prince Noctis’ hand.

“And you’re worth more than this car to _me,”_ Prince Noctis says with a sincere sparkle in his eye, evidently forgetting that she is _there,_ that she is _witnessing_ this disgusting made-for-tv romance movie bullshit. And supposedly he's the sober one.

“That’s not what my bank statement says,” Prompto deadpans.

It’s such a change in demeanor, in general atmosphere that she’s almost concerned they’re having a moment - a fight? - but then they both start cracking up and it coaxes an amused huff out of her. Just the one huff though, while they continue to laugh on in the car.

Meanwhile, she’s still just standing out here, in the parking lot, her food getting colder by the second, unable to leave because the asshole who boxed her in turned out to be _Prince Noctis Lucis Caelum,_ son of King Regis Lucis Caelum CXIII and the chosen heir to the Crystal’s light.

“Um,” she starts, trying to get their attention with purpose this time.

Thankfully, Prompto notices and _understands._

“Oh, is this your car?” he asks, then flushes. “Wait, of course it’s your car! Why else would you be here? Oh, and you can’t open your door...”

“Shit, sorry,” Prince Noctis startles in the driver’s seat as the realization apparently dawns on him. He hastily shoves the Jetty’s into the cup holder and fumbles his keys back into the ignition. “Thought this was an employee car.”

Well, that explains why he’d been so comfortable swapping spit with his boyfriend there. “It’s fine.”

“Here, um, I can pull out,” he says, pushing the stick shift a little too forcefully into reverse in his haste.  

Prompto frowns. “That’s not what you were-” then a kind of understanding becomes apparent on his face as Prince Noctis leans back, looks over his shoulder and starts backing out of the spot. “Oh, oh _that’s_ what you meant.”

She’s not entirely sure she wants to know what Prompto _thought_ he meant. She can’t focus on that, anyway, with how Prompto starts making beeping noises with each inch Noctis makes the car roll backward.

To his credit, Noctis seems unfazed and is polite enough to give her a fair amount of room to open her car door. He even turns on his low beams, and while she can guess it’s for her benefit, so she can better see her car door in the darkness of the parking lot, she can’t help but feel like the whole country is watching her.

In the poetic kind of sense, that is _exactly what is happening._

They're talking and laughing loud enough that she can hear the sound of them but not the words, and she feels like she’s not even in her body as she opens her car door and puts her bag of food in the passenger’s seat, this is honestly just so surreal. The prince pulls back into the spot as she’s finishing buckling herself in and she rolls down her window to say a quick thank you, even though the prince had been the one to start all this.

“Sorry about that, really,” Prince Noctis cuts in before she can say anything, he looks genuinely apologetic as he leans over the steering wheel so he can make eye contact with her past Prompto in the passenger’s seat. “Didn’t mean to give you any trouble.”

“It’s fine,” she says, not sure if she’s doing the right thing by letting him think she doesn’t know he’s the prince or if this is the kind of treason that’s going to _follow_ her.

But the prince seems to relax a little, if only because he’s now convinced himself she doesn’t know him and he’s avoided a scandal. She can sympathize with that. It must be tiring, not even being allowed the harmless youthful dalliance that was ‘making out with your boyfriend in a fast food parking lot’ without the threat of a potential country-wide backlash.

“But it was nice to see you again!” Prompto pipes in, still cheerful somehow.

“Yeah. You... too?” she says, feeling at once more relaxed and more awkward than she’d felt around the prince of the entire country and his boyfriend. She’s thrown that she actually has a _baseline_ for this comparison. She puts her car in reverse as quickly as she can and gives them a nod. “Right, well. Have a good night.”

“You, too!” she hears as she pulls out of the spot. That’s definitely Prompto. “And enjoy your burger and fries!”

Definitely Prompto.

She lets out a shaky laugh as she drives out of the parking lot and onto the street that’s a straight shot to her apartment.

Whoever was working the front at that Crow’s Nest was about to have an _interesting_ night.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> (1) prompto was drinking a 4loko-equivalent because he lives for the thrill and surprise of mixing caffeine and alcohol  
> (2) u were right if u thought prompto was making a pull out innuendo, as in pull-out game. they were makin' out and dirty talkin', and i just like writing crappy innuendo bc of who i am as a person  
> (3) i've written this OC twice now and i don't have a name for her. i call her tired store clerk in my head.
> 
> anyway, i hope y'all enjoyed that!
> 
> as usual, drop me a comment or send me a [lil yell](http://brosura.tumblr.com/ask) on [me tumblr](http://brosura.tumblr.com/).


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